Early morning, the buzz of my phone yanked me awake.

What the—? I don’t remember setting an alarm.

I cracked my eyes open, groggy. Xinran had slipped away at some point. I reached over to the desk, grabbed my phone, and saw a text.

Probably the phone bill or something. I only have numbers for my parents, my little sisters, Teacher Xiaozhen, and the fast-food place. No way anyone else would text me.

I was going to ignore it and go back to sleep. But the notification preview caught my eye. The number wasn’t the familiar 10086. It was a stranger.

If it’s spam, why didn’t my filter catch it? With that question nagging me, I flopped onto my pillow and tapped the message open.

2017-3-25 07:22

[Good morning, Master Cheng. Another crisp morning. Is your pillar standing tall? Even on a day off, don’t get lazy~ Hehehe~]

“…Hehehe, my ass.”

I could almost hear her laughing through the screen.

That tone. That way of greeting. Out of everyone I know, only she fits.

How did she even get my number?

Right, the Head Maid probably dug it up with her godlike connections. Tch. I want a perfect Maid like that too...

The sudden text kicked my brain back online. Sleepiness faded. I scratched my head, annoyed, and got up.

We don’t do breakfast on weekends at home. If you get hungry, you just nibble on something like mung bean cake. I don’t mind. I could cook even on weekends. But Mom says weekdays already bother me enough. At least rest on weekends. So breakfast got canceled.

So after washing up, I didn’t go downstairs. I went straight back to my room. No plans today anyway. Time to finish that novel I left hanging.

As that thought formed, the buzz sounded again. Another text.

2017-3-25 07:36

[You should be awake by now, Master Cheng. Hurry and get dressed. Make it handsome, okay~]

She was timing these on purpose. Did she calculate my wash time too?

Also, dress handsome?

I thought for a moment and replied.

Sent [What I wear has nothing to do with you...]

The moment my message marked as sent, my phone buzzed. A string of replies popped up. She literally instant-responded.

[Of course it does. Today is our memorable first date~]

Huh?

What?

A date?

I don’t remember agreeing to anything like that.

Sent [A date? What date? I don’t remember that at all.]

Buzz. Instant reply again.

[Geez~ my dear, you’re so forgetful. You forgot we agreed to go see the child today?]

“Ha?”

It was so baffling I frowned hard. I reread the text four or five times. My eyes locked on the words “the child” until they almost stopped making sense. Then the meaning finally clicked.

If I text back [What child?], I’d be dancing to her rhythm. But if I go along, I’ll get trapped in her setup.

So I had to play dumb and send something vague.

2017-3-25 07:39

Sent [Ah, I remember. We’re going to look after the kids at the orphanage, right.]

“See the child” can also mean “babysit the kids.”

[Don’t play dumb~ It’s your daughter, of course~]

Tch. She threw a fastball straight at me. She even decided the gender. Jilianbing, you’re too much.

I rolled my eyes and replied.

Sent [I don’t have a daughter, thanks.]

Buzz.

[Your daughter is in my belly! You forgot what happened last night? You’re awful, men are all the same. Sob sob sob, QQQ…(ノへ￣、)]

Nothing happened last night, okay! No, if anything, you almost sent me to meet the Saint!

Just thinking about last night gives me stomach pain. We played hide-and-seek in an empty school building, scared out of our minds. Then you pounced and killed me… I got a taste of life-or-death limbo!

Burning with indignation, I almost typed:

[Oh, screw you. The only thing you did last night was almost snuff out a life. We did not make one! Minus one and plus one are not the same thing, okay!]

Right as my thumb hovered over send, I cooled down. If I get mad first, she’ll lead me by the nose again.

Mm… then I’ll commit to playing dumb.

2017-3-25 07:42

Sent [Hahaha, what are you saying? Nothing happened last night.]

Buzz.

[We interlaced our fingers yesterday. You forgot? You responded to my demands with all your strength. There was liquid between us…]

That was me resisting, okay!

It was just sweaty palms. Can you not make it sound so suggestive!

Also, interlacing fingers doesn’t make babies! Even if something did happen, you can’t find out that fast!

I wanted to dump all these retorts on Jilianbing. I hadn’t typed half before more texts flooded in.

[It wasn’t just fingers, you know? You forgot? You also did this to me…]

[That burning hot hand reached into my depths and kneaded me relentlessly…]

[Your searing breath made me lose myself. I wanted to be held in your arms…]

“What the hell…”

Which smut novel did she copy that from?

[Are you thinking naughty thoughts right now? Gosh~ Master Cheng, so H~]

“…”

Sorry, I feel nothing.

[By the way, Lin Bai ghostwrote those parts.]

Oh, it’s Lin Bai again!

She Photoshopped that picture too, right? Do you really have a Maid who loves stirring things up in your service team?

[Okay, enough chit-chat. Let’s get to the point. About our situation, don’t you think we should talk face to face?]

She suddenly switched to serious.

And wait—I’ve barely replied at all, but she’s still steering my train of thought…

…Is she watching me somewhere?

How does she know what I’m thinking so precisely? No, even if she’s watching, you can’t read thoughts.

Mm, set that aside… face to face, huh… I thought for a moment and replied.

2017-3-25 07:47

Sent [We could just talk over the phone, couldn’t we.]

Jilianbing gave me no reason. Just this non-sequitur.

[Oh wow, the café on Peace Road is actually a maid café.]

Sold!

I’m going!

Gotta check it out!

All my excuses flew out the window. Under Jilianbing’s enthusiastic invite—the lure of Maids—I decided to stake my life and go meet my dangerous girlfriend.

I was going to throw on whatever. Then I remembered her “dress handsome” request. I put on a hoodie and gray pants, then pulled out a dark green jacket.

It was a set Keling picked for me when we went shopping. Honestly, I don’t care what I wear. I think most guys are like that.

Girls do care a lot, though. Especially Keling. She’s very invested in my outfits. Most of my clothes are her picks.

Dressed, I went downstairs to the entryway. Keling, licking her ice cream on the sofa, looked up at me.

“Big bro, heading out?”

“Yeah. I might not be back by noon. If I don’t, you guys cook some curry yourselves.”

“Take Keling with you, okay? I happen to want to buy something.”

“Uh…”

On a normal day, I’d love to. But I’m going to meet that girl…

“Sorry, Keling. I’m meeting a friend this time. Not a good fit to bring you.”

I gave her an apologetic look, then didn’t delay. I put on my shoes and headed out.

Half an hour later, I arrived at the legendary maid café on Peace Road!

I didn’t know our city had such a holy land. How did I not know!

I walked in… and found a totally normal café. Jilianbing sat by the window, happily waving at me.

Where are the Maids! Where are the Maids! Why are all the staff in regular uniforms!

I stormed up to Jilianbing and barked,

“Hey! Where are the Maids! Where are the promised Maids!”

“Hehehe~ On paper, this café belongs to Shirley. Shirley is my Maid. So this is a maid café. No problem~”

“Are you kidding meeeee!”

I got conned!

So the “maid café” means “a café owned by a Maid”?!

Damn it!