I sat in a corner of the waiting area, the scene in front of me was a vast place, a place I wouldn't usually come, or think about coming to.

But today, I came.

"So... I announce... the father will be given custody of the child, the mother will provide child support until the child reaches adulthood, the mother will have visitation rights, the end."

The judge struck the gavel, declaring the result. I was still confused, even a bit lost, but the reality told me that from now on, I would live with my father, and my mother would no longer be with me.

After the court adjourned, my mother came to me with tears in her eyes. She spoke in broken Chinese, "I'm... I'm sorry, Lisi." My mother was a woman with beautiful blond hair, a foreigner. Through a miraculous encounter, she fell in love with my father and gave birth to me. My bloodline leaned heavily towards my mother. At first, I found it fascinating and liked it, but later on, I started to dislike it. My classmates said I was a foreigner and discriminated against me, calling me a hybrid.

Why do I have to endure this treatment? Sometimes I want to cry, but I will only be met with more ridicule. So... they are them, and I am myself. I numb myself like this.

Sometimes my father and mother would argue over trivial matters, and it seems like my father doesn't really like me... Although he would buy me things I like and do what a father should do, I always feel like something is missing.

When the small differences turned into big ones, when the casual mention of divorce became real, I didn't react. I didn't know what to say or do. I could only continue living my usual, monotonous life.

"I'm sorry..." my mother kept repeating as she hugged me tightly. I didn't feel any sadness, and I couldn't find comforting words for her. Then she left the courtroom, leaving my sight.

"An Lisi... from now on, it will be just you and me living together," my father walked over with a smile. He wore a pair of black-framed glasses and had a somewhat refined appearance.

"Let's go home..." my father held my hand and led me out of the court.

On the way home, I kept thinking about living with my father from now on. Living together... but I didn't have any sense of reality or anticipation.

I looked at my father's somewhat frail figure and my mother, who apologized and cried, and felt like I was watching a play. I was only an outsider.

Afterward, when I entered the second year of middle school, my father was busy with work. Often, I would be alone in the empty room. When I felt bored, I would lie on the bed and sometimes stare at the night sky. The stars seemed lonely, spaced so far apart.

At the end of the ninth grade, during the summer vacation, my father, for the first time, talked to me a lot. He took me to the aquarium, the zoo, places that I had wanted to go when I was little but had no one to accompany me.

As I watched a group of nameless fish swimming in front of me, I was about to exclaim, but right at that moment, just as I was about to ask my father what kind of fish they were, he said with a heavy tone, "I've found my other half in life... Lingzi... I love her very much."

My father's eyes, as he said that, were fixated on the fish, filled with immense admiration.

"..." I felt nervous and uneasy about my father suddenly being with another woman.

"An Lisi, what do you think about me marrying another woman?" my father asked as he looked at me.

"I'm not sure..." I still didn't feel any genuine emotions. I just watched the group of fish swimming back and forth.

"But An Lisi will help dad, right?"

"As long as dad feels happy, I don't have much of an opinion. It's father's own matter, what right do I have to interfere? Besides, whether there is one more person or one less person, I will still live my days the same way. It won't change. But when father, for the first time ever, took me out to play and talked to me so much... a certain spark of hope seemed to ignite in my heart... but after he said this, it seems to have been extinguished again."

"I knew it... An Lisi is indeed my good daughter," father showed a happy smile after a long time. Because of my words, his seemingly depressed face finally had a hint of a smile, and relaxed.

Such words can be said no matter how many times... I just want...

"But I told Lingzi that I am not married... Lingzi's parents agreed to let her date me... you know how much I love her... so..."

So should I leave? Hearing father say this, there was a slight pain, just a little pain.

"But An Lisi, don't worry, we will only live in separate places. On paper, we are still father and daughter, even more so genetically... and you will be starting high school soon, so rent a place near your high school, I will provide you with living expenses, here's a card... there are tens of thousands of dollars in it, I will deposit it into this card every month, here's a phone... you can call me if you have any difficulties." Father gave me a bank card and a mobile phone.

"The password is your birthday." The password is my birthday... seems like it's been a long time since someone celebrated my birthday with me.

"I have already packed your things, it's best to leave today, after all, Lingzi will come tomorrow..."

It seemed like today was the rare occasion of father having dinner with me, the last one, giving me a feeling of joy and an unbearable discomfort.

"... we should make the most of the time we have just the two of us and have a good meal. Order your favorite dishes," father said happily, walking ahead. I stood there like I had forgotten how to walk, forgotten how to think.

"An Lisi?" Father turned back and looked at me with confusion.

"...I want to eat... steak..." my last request.

"Okay... any amount you want."

Afterwards, we went to a restaurant and father ordered several steaks. I had liked it since mother took me to eat it once, but now there was no taste in my mouth. Has something gone wrong with my taste buds?

I still pretended as if nothing was wrong and finished all the steak...

It was afternoon when we returned. Father had already prepared the luggage and everything. Since it had come to this, it seemed like I had no reason to stay any longer. I walked out of the door dragging my suitcase.

"Remember to call me when you find a place to live... and if you have any difficulties, tell me, I will come back occasionally to check on you," father watched me as he said.

I didn't know how to respond, my heart felt empty, but it seemed like I couldn't stay here anymore, I had to leave.

I walked on the crowded street, dragging my suitcase, feeling fear and unease. Even though I had money to sustain my life, I didn't know how to use it. But... there was no one to help me, I could only rely on myself to survive. I looked at the gray sky, thinking like that.

After some effort, I finally found a place to rent. The landlady was a very kind and friendly woman, who didn't give me too much trouble and provided me with a lot of help.

Although I still had no sense of reality, no direction, no purpose in living, I could only keep moving forward like a pointer, even though I was just spinning in place, without any change.

Entering high school and attending the opening ceremony, I am now officially a high school student, bidding farewell to my middle school life. At first, my father would occasionally send me messages or call to ask about my recent situation, and I would reply with a simple "I'm fine." But as the nights grew quieter, and as I witnessed children being accompanied by their parents, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

Eventually, my father stopped sending me messages altogether, as if we had lost contact with each other. I couldn't bring myself to initiate contact with him either, afraid that it would cause him trouble. Sometimes, I would stare blankly at my phone or the ceiling, and tears would flow for no apparent reason.

In school, I continued to study mechanically as usual. I didn't want to engage in too much interaction with others, fearing that they would discriminate against me or mock me. Even though they pretended to be friendly, deep down, I was sure they were laughing at me. Thus, I saw no reason to communicate with them.

The days went on, and my heart remained in a state of extreme emptiness. If only there was something that could make me forget about all this. I stumbled upon a post on Tieba by someone who said, "Do you want to feel comfortable, to have all your troubles and sorrows disappear? Come find me..."

He left his contact information, and despite my hesitation, I ended up contacting him. Despite my fear of interacting with strangers, I inexplicably agreed to meet him. He seemed like a delinquent, and he gave me a small bag of white powder, saying firmly, "This will help you find liberation, free you from all worries and sorrows, just like an immortal."

Back in my rented room, I looked at the bag of white powder. Could it really make me feel less empty, less lonely, less miserable? This small package, I found it hard to believe. I even doubted if he had given me a bag of flour just to deceive and manipulate me. But he didn't ask for any money; he just told me to try it. So, I thought, why not give it a try? It wouldn't harm my body too much, and even if it did... it might just be better to end my life altogether.

With that thought in mind, I took a glass and filled it with water. Then I emptied the contents of the small bag into the glass. The powder dissolved in the water, turning it white. I held the glass to my lips, took a sniff, but there was no scent. As I gulped it down in one go, I suddenly felt a pleasant sensation, as if I were truly carefree and free, just like he had promised. Indeed, it was real... Although I was grateful to have found a remedy for my inner loneliness and distress, its effects were rather short-lived.

As I used it more and more frequently, I became infatuated with this substance. Without it, I felt like I had lost my emotional support and suffered unbearable pain. And so, I increased the dosage, hoping to prolong its effects. But I soon realized that I was becoming more and more trapped, and I didn't know why, but I felt like a different person. Panic set in, and I didn't want to go to school anymore. But I couldn't escape its grip. I had used up the money my father had given me, and I even asked him for more because without money, I couldn't get my hands on the substance. However, one day, my father told me that he was financially tight and couldn't give me any more money. It felt like a bolt from the blue.

Without money, I would suffer. I couldn't bear it anymore...And that's why I had the idea of selling my body for money. But then I encountered him, the guy who witnessed what I did and threatened me. Yet, he still claimed to want to help me. Even though I didn't want to have any interaction with him, even though my existence in this world felt utterly meaningless.