Chapter 22: Hey, You Bandits—Ever Heard of Being Professional?

“What? What did you just say?”

“Young master, please don’t be mad! We’re just here to rob you, that’s all,” the gray-leather-clad youth stammered, trembling.

Oh, I’m so sorry for scaring my robbers while getting robbed!

“We mean no harm,” the yellow-leather-clad youth quickly cut in.

No harm? Robbery is friendly now? Are you two clowns? Disrespecting the whole bandit profession?!

“If it’s inconvenient, we’ll just leave,” the gray-leather youth mumbled weakly.

Damn, you’ll starve to death! No one’s ever “convenient” for robbery! Apologize sincerely—to every bandit and victim worldwide!

“Are you two even real bandits?” I asked cautiously.

“Yes! Your sharp eyes see right through us!” the gray-leather youth blurted. “I’m Qifei Damir, and he’s Keso Akui. Today’s our first day robbing outside the mountain camp—you’re our very first target!”

Hahaha, what an honor! And you proudly gave your names? Banditry isn’t a proud job, especially when you’ve ruined it this badly!

“Fine. Since you’re so proud, you clearly want to be real bandits. As your first victim, I’ve got some harsh advice. Want to hear it?”

“Great!” Akui in yellow leather beamed. “If your advice improves our robbery skills, we’ll give you a 20% discount next time!”

Oh ho, business-minded? Go open a shop instead of robbing!

“Alright, here it goes.” I paused, took a deep breath.

“Can’t you bandits be professional? Huh? What are you wearing? A messy circus act! Where’s your uniform? No discipline? No teamwork? You’re a team! Stop showing off individuality—think how much blood curd stew you could make from all that blood!

And why no masks? Are you two that handsome?! Worried victims won’t recognize you next time? Just mail your portraits to the City Lord’s Mansion—it’d be faster! Want fame? Become idols! Why hide in these mountains as joke artists?

And what’s with ‘Is it convenient to rob you, sir’? Are you negotiating clients? If every bandit’s this polite, what’ll happen to real service jobs? Get serious!

Giving your names? Expecting praise from victims? At least use flashy nicknames! Like ‘Four-Fingered Tiger’, ‘One-Eyed Sea Serpent’, or ‘He Who Strides Three Mountains and Five Peaks, Hates Heaven’s Lack of Handle and Earth’s Lack of Ring, Overseer of Tianjin and Surrounding Counties, True Hero Wang Siwen’! No nickname? That’s like running naked!

Robbery needs speed, ruthlessness, ferocity! You’re acting like salesmen. No basic slogan? ‘This road’s mine, this tree’s mine—pay the toll to pass!’ Or ‘Carts pay road tax, horses eat grass—it’s your duty!’

And why rob deep in the mountains? Hit roads! Target travelers and caravans! That’s profitable. Robbing flowers and grass? Who carries hundreds of silver niuli into forests? Ever seen poor herb-pickers with pockets full of gold kala? Zero business sense!

How will you grow this ‘business’? Compete with rivals? Huh? How’ll your company go public? No IPO means no funding! No funding means no salaries for you useless idiots! Write ten-thousand-word self-criticisms by this afternoon—or get fired!”

Phew! Done. Felt great. Okay, I drifted off-topic, but no big deal.

The poor brothers stood frozen, tears and snot streaming. Stay home herding cows next time! I almost felt bad. Stop crying—you successfully robbed my sympathy and my last shred of normal morals.

“Waaah! We’re so useless!” Qifei Damir sobbed.

“Yeah, we’ll never be great bandits!” Keso Akui wailed in despair.

“Alright, alright. My words were harsh, but you’re young! Plenty of room to grow. Work hard, get promoted, become CEO, marry a rich beauty—reach life’s peak!”

“Young master—no, benefactor! Thank you! I see my flaws now.”

“Yes! My path’s clear now… though I didn’t understand half of it.”

“Good! It’s late—I’ve got things to do. Bye!” I turned to leave. Still time. Those Juyatu probably haven’t moved yet. I’ll find a hidden spot, activate my Elemental Armor, and harvest bones with ease.

*Thud!* I blacked out.

“Akui! What did you do?” Damir stared at Keso Akui, who’d knocked me out with a knife’s blunt side. “Why hit the young master?”

“Well, he’s so knowledgeable about banditry! I wanted to take him to camp—to teach everyone and boost our ‘business skills’.”

“But did you have to knock him out?”

“The chief said: ‘Bring outsiders back unconscious in sacks, then send ransom letters to their families.’ It’s kidnapping—our camp’s main job, like robbery.”

“Since when? I was asleep during that talk…”

“Help me carry him. The chief’ll be thrilled.”

Where am I? Why am I unconscious again? I was gathering magic纹 materials in the Hengduan Mountains… then met two wannabe-bandit comedians. I gave career advice… what happened? Why am I on a strange bed? Crescent Town has no all-wood buildings like this.

“You’re awake, young man.” An elderly white-haired woman sat by the bed.

“Granny, who are you? Where is this?” I always respect elders.

“This is our mountain camp. The kids call me Granny Mos.”

“Hello, Granny Mos. Why am I here?”

“Akui brought you. He said to find him and Damir at the camp’s central hall once you wake.”

So those two knocked me out. This must be their “camp.” What kind of bizarre chief raised such goofballs? I checked my belongings—nothing missing. My strength’s intact; anyone below Saint-level can’t hold me. Hmph. Better have a good reason—or I’ll upgrade from teaching to physical punishment!

“Granny Mos, thanks for caring. I’ll head to the hall now.”

“Take it slow, young man—you just woke up!”

“I’m fine.” I was out the door before she finished.

“Sigh… can this boy save the camp? Save Cindira?” Granny Mos whispered to herself.

Walking the camp’s main path, I saw it was a small village halfway up a mountain—about a third of Crescent Town’s size. Smoke curled from chimneys. Kids played in groups; women chatted by the roadside. Nothing like the kidnapping, robbery-filled bandit camp I’d imagined. More like an ordinary village.

“Survival issues?” I murmured, sighing slightly. “No farmland or pasture up here. No land means no food. No food means no foundation to thrive.” From this angle, the village sat deep in the Hengduan Mountains. Travel must be tough—no trade for supplies. Growing this big was impressive… but they’ve hit their limit. Hence the robbery attempts?

No one answered my thoughts. But why build a village here? It’s unfit for life! Ancestral tradition? No—the houses look newly built. Settling here makes zero sense. Only the legendary chief can explain this.

Finally, I reached the central hall. I called out: “Anyone here? Damir? Akui? I’ve arrived!”

*Creak…* The doors swung open. A crowd of young men and women surged out—waving colorful flags, in matching outfits, chanting in unison: “Welcome! Warm welcome! Welcome! Warm welcome!”

What the hell?! Can someone explain this?!

“Young master! Over here!” Three figures emerged. Beside the two idiots who’d knocked me out stood a silver-haired woman.

Oh! A beauty! Unlike Helle and Monaluna—young girls in their bloom—this woman radiated mature charm. Her long, shapely legs looked even more stunning in knee-high boots. Her slender waist moved with steady grace—clearly trained. Her chest strained against tight armor. Her face, pale and worn from exhaustion, seemed unhealthy. Her long hair wasn’t silver—it was ghostly white.

This woman, who looked like she had little time left, must be the legendary chief.